Cover letter template

I'm writing cover letters for the first time in almost two decades. I still hate it as much as I did then, and 35 years ago when I was first starting my career. When I was a hiring manager, I almost never read cover letters. Why, oh, why, must this practice continue?
I'm muddling through it. But all the while, here's the cover letter I want to send every single time:

Dear hiring manager:

You should hire me.

I will show up on time, well dressed, smelling good, and quietly set about doing whatever you tell me to do. 

If you don't have anything to tell me to do, I will look around, ask around, make calls, send out emails looking for something that needs to be done. Then, I will do it.

I will gladly organize your office potlucks, be your office safety guard for fire drills, call maintenance when there's a weird smell, make coffee, and show up cheerfully at meetings and participate (without using the words and phrases like "shitshow" "clusterfuck" "I call bullshit").

I will proofread anything anyone throws at me. I will rewrite your reports. I will write performance reviews. I will craft your values and mission statements. I will write the email tactfully telling the smelly guy to practice better hygiene.

Need someone with a three-decade track record of NOT being the office loud talker, low talker, stinky food eater, microwave pig, or restroom cell phone user? Looking for an employee who doesn't use the time while you are speaking to rehearse what she going to say next, but actually listens to you? Seeking someone who has a sense of humor AND a work ethic?  I'm your woman.

Call me, email me, IM me on facebook, twitter, LinkedIn. I will respond 24-7.

Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

The Future Your Company Staffer, Lori Botterman